It is tricky business being human, particularly when it comes to understanding the man or woman in the mirror. After years of being a leader and later coaching people in their strengths, I’ve learned that most of us know neither ourselves nor our talents very well.
The Problem Starts with Us
Some of us exaggerate our abilities, but most of us underestimate them. When it comes to work, it means that we often “sell ourselves short” on an application or in an interview and may keep understating our value as we imagine new career opportunities.
Let’s talk about why this is and then what we can do about it.
Why?
By nature, most of us are weakness focused. Perhaps you can relate to this scenario: you are getting feedback of some kind, perhaps in an annual review, and you hear six good things about yourself and one area that needs improvement. What sticks, what is it that you will ponder in the hours and days after the feedback? Yep, it’s the shortcoming.
Compliments stick for about a minute, criticism—even constructive—sticks pretty much forever.
We miss our own contributions in the workplace, our homes, our schools, etc. because we are in such a hurry. I love this quote from T.S. Elliot: “we had the experience but missed the meaning.”
The truth is we don’t learn all that much from experience if we habitually move on to the next thing. You are probably sitting on a treasure trove of information about what you do well, and that treasure resides in some simple acts of reflection—more on that further on in this article.
Then there is the insidious trap of comparing ourselves to others. We miss the gift of being ourselves because we long for what the other person has. The further up the ladder of success people climb, the more acutely they are aware that someone is above them. Always. Have you ever found yourself strangely envious of a friend’s accomplishments? This is the dark side of comparison in full view, but the less insidious result is missing ourselves.
You are made in a way that is unique to you. You have talents, experiences, and potential unique to you. There is work that will not be done quite as well without you at the table.
As a StrengthsFinder Coach, I will never ever see the same combination of strengths (there are 34) in those I coach. This would be true if I could coach every human on the planet now and everyone who had ever called earth home.
This talk of a unique person with the potential to make a singular contribution is not a line to make you feel better about yourself or to like me more. It’s true, it’s real and even if you don’t completely understand it, I urge you to act as if you do.
Do you notice that so far, the reasons I list have little to do with external forces, with things others do to you? We will look at one external issue, but first one more piece from the space between our ears.
Sometimes we are shy or even in denial about our own strengths because we know on some level that naming our strengths makes us accountable to use them. My late father-in-law used to play a game he called “get me don’t get me” with our young kids, who would run away from him with the twin hopes of escaping and being caught, swept up in their grandfather’s embrace. We play “get me don’t get me” with our own hard-wired abilities, perhaps in part because naming them will somehow put us on the hook to use them.
Being Undervalued by Other Humans
There is no denying that others will fail to see us for who we are and may not treat us as they should. Perhaps you have been on a team where the leader or a peer is stepping into a responsibility that you are sure you could handle extremely well. You may want to yell “pick me, pick me,” and maybe you should.
Our bosses, our peers, our spouses, kids and friends are also trying to figure out who they are and what place they have in the world. They may miss your abilities altogether or not value them for their impact. It this happens over a long period of time, or even for a moment in a toxic work, home or school situation, we can find ourselves limping along, believing that we are somehow “less than.”
Stay tuned for my next blog post, which will provide suggestions on what to do about all of this.
I’m always interested in your feedback or questions. I can be reached at dan@dupeestrengths.com.